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As I looked at the man slumped over and sobbing in his wheelchair my heart broke for him. I wanted to go and lay hands on him, but the Lord said, “No. Let him be.” Was it only a few hours earlier I had been surrounded by people excited and bubbling over with enthusiasm and anticipation? Now here I stood looking into a deep well of despair, weariness, and grief.
I was young and had never been to an event like this before. My friend had invited me to drive the three hours, spend the night, and go to the event with her. Curiosity spurred me on. The entire congregation seemed to be ignited as the evangelist took the stage. I on the other hand could not shake the feeling this whole thing was wrong. I felt sick in my spirit.
I listened as he spoke to the crowd, hoping I would hear something that would fire me up. I watched as he laid hands on people, many falling to the ground. Cheers rose as the assembled mass witnessed healing after healing. I could not muster even a clap. God had me there as an observer. I had no idea what it was I was to observe, but I knew something was coming.
After the closing hymns were sung and everyone filed out of the building, my friend wanted to go into the sanctuary. I went along, though I wanted to leave.
We walked in one of the doors and down to the stage. It was when we started to go out and were walking up one of the aisles that God struck me with the sight of a heart-broken, weeping, crippled man sitting in a wheel chair. I could feel the despair and confusion surrounding and consuming him. To this day I can see him, shoulders slumped, head bowed, shaking all over from the sobs racking his body. This man was why God brought me to that place, that day. He needed the image of him sitting there grief-stricken to be embedded in my mind forever.
This was the beginning of my questioning God and seeking Him for guidance about healing. That man had come expecting, believing God was going to heal him, and it didn’t happen. How could this happen? Why didn’t he get his healing? What did he do wrong? Did he not have enough faith? So many questions flooded my mind.
Over the years God has taken me on a journey which has brought me closer to Him; a journey that began even before I walked into the doors of that church in Kansas City and God gave me my first glimpse of those He came to minister to and to whom He was sending me. A journey in which I have seen much affliction of bodies, minds, and spirits; sickness, death, loss, confusion, despair, depression, hurt, anger, and so much more. The damaged are everywhere. And yet, God has a marvelous and wonderful plan to heal each and every one.
May 2011 my family began gathering to say their good-byes to my father who was dying of the cancer that had metastasized from the skin to the lungs and now to the brain. My younger sister and I had been staying at the house to help with Dad’s needs and to be close to him. It was May 19. We were in the room with Dad. We didn’t touch him as he would become agitated by things touching him, but he liked us to be in the room with him. Softly and gently we would talk to him, reminiscing and telling him of our love for him.
Dad was no longer responding but seemed to be in another world. That day as we kept vigil with him, he kept looking at the wall next to his chair where he sat (he refused to lie in bed). He was mumbling what sounded like greetings. With each greeting he would raise his hand as if to shake the hand of each one who came to him. Suddenly everything changed.
The atmosphere changed as the room filled with a strong and gentle Presence. It was thick and yet light. Dad raised his hand again, but this time he held it out differently, as if whoever was greeting him took his hand to hold it. Before this moment, Dad’s eyes had been dark and distant, now they came to life and were sparkling. Instantly the deep lines across his brow disappeared, along with all his wrinkles. There was a young and soft look about him. And then he smiled as awe covered his face.
All my sister and I could do was watch the transformation as the awesomeness of Jesus stood there holding Dad’s hand, speaking to him. There was no doubt it was Jesus for we too could feel His presence envelope us. Though we could not see him, our father could. Dad’s face radiated and glowed as he whispered three breathless, soft, tender, and awestruck words, “I love you.” Oh, the joy that filled the room. It was then my dad received his healing. Two days later, on his 72nd birthday, dad passed away.
Though many believe death to be the ultimate healing, what I witnessed as the Lord visited my dad was an instantaneous healing. He did not rise from his seat and walk, but God healed him in that very moment. Dad no longer was in pain. He rested peacefully, no oxygen, no pain medication, just complete and total rest in the Lord until Jesus came and took him to His Kingdom in glory.
As we long for those healings we read of in the Bible, we need to realize healing does not always mean we will suddenly walk, or talk, or see in a physical sense. God does give us miraculous healings where He removes tumors, or straightens backs, or puts feeling and movement into paralyzed legs, or gives sight to one who was blind from birth, and the list goes on and on. These are wonderful deeds the Lord does and brings about much rejoicing. But to only accept that it has to be an instant jump in the air, run down the aisles, falling on the ground healing is all wrong. There is so much more.
We have become so caught up in our ideas of what healing is we can’t seem to receive all that God has for us. We don’t want to accept suffering and pain, loss and dying as part of His plan. But it is His plan. He says to us, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).
It is through suffering and pain, loss and death I have come to know the joy of God’s healing power in my own life. While healing does take place in the body, it also takes place in our hearts, our minds, our souls, and our spirits. Healing takes place when we surrender all to Him. Healing takes place when we quit looking at the brokenness, the weariness, and the burdens of our lives and focus on the Healer.
As you know in 2011, my father passed away in May. When Dad announced his cancer diagnosis the year before, the family was still reeling from the death of my 22-year-old nephew in a horrific drunk driving accident in 2007. A month after Dad’s death we came together again to bury my cousin, the month after that two close friends of the family passed (one from cancer), I was laid off from my job in August, and so the year continued, as has each year since.
Death and tragedy further surrounded my family: my cousin’s wife died of cancer; my aunt died of a massive heart attack; my uncle drowned in the Iowa flooding; my grandmother was diagnosed with vascular dementia and had to be cared for and then passed in 2014; my mother’s skin disease had become so bad she was hospitalized and required my going to help when she got home; my husband seeking diagnosis for some troubling things going on with him; my own health problems as the doctors concern themselves with my below normal platelets and white blood cell counts, and, well . . . the list could go on and on.
I write to share with you the mighty power of God to take tragedy and turn it into His glory as He takes our burdens upon Himself; comforting, healing, and filling us with His love, peace, hope, and joy. This is what He’s done for me. An excerpt from my journal:
“Lord, I’ve noticed I’m waking with songs already playing in my head each morning. I love that You put those songs in me. I love that You have filled me with such joy. How blessed to awake singing. I awake knowing my life is in Your hands and that You are in control of every part of my life and the world around me. Lord, the peace that permeates my heart, soul, and mind is so wonderful!!! I thank You for touching me in such a beautiful way. It’s so marvelous; it’s so glorious to wake to songs rather than worries. My whole being is light-hearted rather than beaten down with the worries of life. You did that for me. I remember days and nights of being consumed with cares, now I am consumed with You.”
He has healed me. No longer do I beg and plead with Him to heal or remove my circumstances. Now I rejoice in my trials and tribulations, praising Him for consuming me so much that He has crowded out all the things that previously tormented and plagued me. I am free of worry; free of pain, free of hopelessness . . . I am free! Praise the Lord!
So many times my mind has wandered back to the scene in the Kansas City sanctuary. I’ve wondered if the man finally received healing. Did God show him that His healing may not be physical, but an acceptance of his lot in life, but also a life in which he could be filled with joy by giving it all to the Lord? Or did he leave that place so broken and hurt he couldn’t find God and the healing He had for him? These questions and more have caused me to want to seek the Lord and His will in healing so I can teach others.
It is vital to teach about healing, to guide the afflicted to the knowledge that God is longing to heal them, but also how healing may not be what they expect. They need to know at times healing is not physical. God has a plan. His plan could be to use us, our afflictions and tribulations to minister to others. We must and should seek God believing He can and will heal us, but the healing is His and in His way.
Don’t beg, don’t plead, and don’t feel like you are a sinner because you did not come out of your wheelchair. Rather give God your burdens and let Him carry them for you; receive His peace and joy, and you will receive the greatest healing of all; you will find rest for your soul.
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